Today's letter comes to us from "Taylor".
To: Slumpy. Or Paulie, whoever's not busy
I am a college student in Montana, and lately things haven't been going super well. I lost my job, which was fine since school started,
but now my roommate has lost his job as well. He, along with three of my other friends, are all currently jobless in a market that can
best be described as 'vicious'. I'm looking as well, but not as hard. In any case, recently it's been feeling like there really, truly is no hope.
No matter how hard any of us try to get our lives on track, something seems to always go terribly astray. To top it all off, all the girls I've met
that have reciprocated interest are, of course, currently involved.
I guess what I'm really asking for is not advice, but rather some kind of saying or quote or quip--any kind of sentence, really--that might pick me up
and help me regain my normally unshakable optimism.
Cheers,
Taylor
PS. Paulie, what is it that you DO for money? It seems like you're rather well off, and I'm just curious to see if
it's a field that I myself may like to enter.
Well, Taylor, it seems you are in luck. Both Paulie and Slumpy are available, and we've decided to field this letter to both of them.
Paulie: Hello, Taylor. I hope you're ready to have all of your questions answered, because that is what is about to happen.
Slumpy: Hi.
Paulie: Let's start with the most obvious problem: you live in Montana.
Slumpy: I heard that the sun doesn't shine in the winter there, and they sometimes eat the weak ones to make it through.
Paulie: It's probably true.
Slumpy: I've lost a job before. It can be a problem sometimes, because it means you don't really have any money and can't buy food.
Paulie: Slumpy ended up prostituting himself, so you could always try that route.
Slumpy: At least you have friends.
Paulie: Just hang in there, and something fantastic will probably happen without you doing anything. It's happened to all of us before.
Slumpy: Except me.
Paulie: As for the girl issue, well, I can't really offer any advice there. Some people just naturally attract women, and some don't. You might be
one of the ones that just doesn't, in which case I recommend becoming familiar with the adult retailer circuit.
Slumpy: You could try injuring yourself to garner pity from women. I've thought about doing that but I don't really know about bones or anything like that.
Paulie: But basically, just try to be comfortable with yourself and they'll hopefully come. Not so comfortable that you don't wear clothing,
but comfortable.
Slumpy: It helps if you actually have any redeeming features, like good teeth or a working car.
Paulie: As for the last question, I made my fortune in the inventing game. I can't really recommend you get into it; this would be like a successful
African safari hunter with several lion heads on his wall recommending that a child with a slingshot get on the next plane to the veldt. It's a rough
business.
Slumpy: I hope this has made your life less bad.
Paulie: Me too. Cheers!
- Paulie and Slumpy
