Welcome once more to our fifth installment of Your Life is Terrible. In today's column, Paulie helps a young man in need of girl advice. "Never got laid" writes:
Yo, Paulie! I know you've got it good with the ladies, so I could
really use your help. You see, there is this girl that I've fallen in
love with, and she had loved me too. Only in the end, she turned
around and left me to become a lesbian. Well, they broke up, and she's
brooding too much over the other girl to come back to me. C'mon
Paulie, you're my only hope. I know you've got a solution to get her
back because you're such a smooth operator.
In need,
~Never got laid
Paulie writes:
Lesbians. Boy, where do I start with lesbians. Many men feel that lesbians are, nominally and actually, a good thing; that is, they are a good thing to have in
the world. This is because men like to look at women, and men like to watch two women doing filthy things to each other even more. What most men fail to
realize is that the allure of the lesbian is a subtle and chromatic lie created by the lesbian-friendly fat cats in Big Media. Here are some reasons
why lesbians are not the cat's meow (that was a joke because women can be refered to as cats):
1. It may SEEM cool that they are down with playing tongueball with other girls, but the logical counterweight is that they AREN'T down with doing it with
YOU (a man). Are you OK with this? I'm not.
2. Lesbians are often portrayed as being very attractive. This is, again, a fabrication lie created with devious, malicious, girl-on-girl intent. In my travels,
I have discovered the shocking truth - many lesbians are not highly attractive and toned women! In fact, they may even be unattractive. If you are one to
watch two unattractive women scraping out each other's barnacle caves, well, I'm not one to judge but you probably have brain problems.
3. Lesbians contribute to global depopulation, a very real problem.
These are just some of the reasons why lesbians are, as I like to say, not all that. How does this relate to your question? Well, it relates because you
said the word "lesbian" and I just sort of went from there.
What is going to happen now is that you are going to think long and hard about this girl. Not about all the dirty things you'd like to force on her - you
can do that later, in private. What you need to think about is the following important question: Is she actually a lesbian?"
This question is important because it determines whether or not she will get back with you. It breaks down like this: if she is actually a lesbian, she will
not be willing to be with you due to your precieved lack of vagina. if it turns out she is a real true lesbian, I advise giving up, because although a healthy
helping of dick would change her tune, we have laws against that sort of thing.
If she's not a real lesbian, you'll just have to get in good with her, let her know you forgive her for the lesbian thing, and then welcome her with open
bedsheets. Show her what she was missing, which is organic cock.
Hope this helps! If not, well, another brother enlightened to the ways of the Vagiarchy.
Paulie J. Fister
