Welcome to our first installment of Your Life is Terrible, the column where fictional, poorly-drawn characters tell you what to do! Let's move right along to our first letter. Will writes to us:
Dear Paulie,
One of my good friends has a girlfriend that he's not really interested in. His girlfriend really likes him but he doesn't like her too much that way
and is being nice enough to her. I, however, get along with his girlfriend fine and wouldn't mind being with her if it weren't for the fact that her
boyfriend's my good friend. Even if my good friend breaks up with her, I know it'd be kind of messed up to try to pick her up. What do I do?
Sincerely,
Will
P.S. Why do you have a girl first name?
Paulie writes:
Hi Will. I'm glad you turned to me on this matter. As is well known, I am something of an authority on women, the getting thereof, and the dirty, dirty things we like to do to them. Things that would make
your local priest or parish head shake his head slowly and sorrowfully. That is to say, I, myself, know a lot about women.
As to your question, which was addressed to me, I have answers. I have all of them. You see, Will, when a boy reaches a certain age that is designated, he starts to realize something.
What he starts to realize is that there are two kinds of people in the world: people he would like to make love to, that is to say, to "sex up", and people he would not like to do this to.
For many boys who are coming of age, the kinds of people he would like to do this to have something in common: they are all attractive women. That's not true
for everyone, of course - some would like to do the four-foot shuffle with unattractive women! Imagine! Some even want to do it with other men. Yes, it's a
vast and colorful world out there.
What does this have to do with you, Will? The answer is that, although you may be confused and not realize it, it's possible you want to have carnal relations with
the girl in question. Yes, you probably want to water her flowers. That's a sex reference, by the way; ask an older friend or relative if you don't understand.
That said, you are in a special situation now, a situation which has many circumstances. You have a person who you DO want to fuck, and a person who you DO NOT
want to fuck. Luckily, in this manner of complicated situation, there is a guideline which nearly always will never lead you wrong: think with your dick. That is, with your penis.
Yes, that's right. Go for it! Friends are good to have, especially when they have nice things, but you will never get them to shower in your bathroom that you
have rigged with special hidden cameras. Friends are good, but getting "nookie" (ask the same friend or relative) always trumps simple friendship! So my
advice is to explore your feelings, and then say something that will let her know you mean business, such as "Hey, that ass would look fantastic if I had my dick inside of it." She'll
get the idea, unless she's sort of slow, in which case you have to spend more on drinks.
Hope this information has helped put you on the path to happy nog-slogging!
- Paulie
PS I do not have a girl's name you horrifying sack of shit fuck you
